Jokes

A 21 year old student from university goes for a job at B & Q.
The manager gives him a brush and asks him to sweep the floor.
The student says "I can't do this, I have a degree".
The manager says "Give it to me then and I'll show you how to use it".
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A 21 year old student from university goes for a job at B & Q.
The manager gives him a brush and asks him to sweep the floor.
The student says "I can't do this, I have a degree".
The manager says Click for punchline
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There's a reason why Daniel Craig has greying hair in the latest Bond movie.
Because he had “No Time To Dye”.
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There's a reason why Daniel Craig has greying hair in the latest Bond movie.
Click for punchline
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Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
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Yesterday I went to the zoo and all they had to exhibit was one dog.
It was a shihtzu.
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Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs are both the same.
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What do you call a can opener that does not work, a can’t opener.
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I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream
and put a cherry on top of my head.
Life was tough in the Gateau.
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I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream
and put a cherry on top of my head.
Click for punchline
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The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.
It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.
Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.
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The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.
It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.
Only six of them took part, because Click for punchline
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no guts, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
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Jokes

Scientists have managed to grow human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
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Scientists have managed to grow human vocal cords in a petri dish.
Click for punchline
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, Click for punchline
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What do you call a can opener that does not work, Click for punchline
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Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night.
To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
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Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night.
To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed Click for punchline
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no guts, and made him President. Click for punchline
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Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: Click for punchline
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Yesterday I went to the zoo and all they had to exhibit was one dog.
Click for punchline
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What's E.T. short for?
He has little legs.
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What's E.T. short for?
Click for punchline
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I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed its shell...
It only made it more sluggish
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I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed its shell...
Click for punchline
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My neighbour just called out to me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water."
I know he means well.
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My neighbour just called out to me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water."
Click for punchline
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Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?
I've got loads of back issues.
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Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?
Click for punchline
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Have you ever heard of silent tennis?
Basically, it's tennis but without the racket.
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Have you ever heard of silent tennis?
Click for punchline
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My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
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My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
Click for punchline
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A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus.
He gasped and said,
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
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A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus.
He gasped and said,
Click for punchline
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After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
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After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
Click for punchline
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Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Click for punchline
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Fed up with being bald I went out and bought a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupée
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Fed up with being bald I went out and bought a cheap wig.
Click for punchline
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